balloon dog cocks its leg at...Bruno Mars

So you liked "Grenade" and we know you liked "Forget you", which he co-wrote, and everyone liked "Runaway" and "The Lazy Song" and ....but don't you see? Has there ever been a more cynically commercial artist than Bruno Mars?

Ever?

In the history of the world?

Even the ubiquitous David Guetta, Ri-Ri, Gaga and Black Eyed Peas bow in deference to the shock and awe assault on our sonic landscape of the Man from Mars.

Take "Lighters" - a song specifically written to make Bruno fans fire up their zippos at stadiums across the world and create the very occasion the song seeks to celebrate: its self-fulfilling prophecy in song.

Or how about his magnum opus: "Marry you". It even has church bells on it! Can you imagine the high-concept management brainstorm that led to that one? "We need a song that will get played at every wedding in the Western world for eternity, across all demographics. Bruno, any ideas?" "Um, yeah, how about *sings* 'Hey baby...think I'm gonna marry you' and I'll put some cute church bells on it?" "Brilliant! Can we pre-sell the syndication rights for a cross-collateralised merchandise tie-in on wedding apparel? And get it on the soundtrack of Bridesmaids II!"

So what next for the man whose blatant commercial transparency makes Simon Cowell look like Leonard Cohen? We're betting on a dance song. Like Agadoo, The Birdy Song or The Hokey Cokey (ft Pitbull & Nicki Minaj). Perfect for weddings, barmitzvas, funerals, playgrounds etc. He'll make it catchy and cool and he'll have zero shame in singing it on Letterman, watching everyone do the moves. And as J-Lo memorably put it, he'll just "watch the amounts roll in".

Resistance is futile.

We're all living on Mars now.